Finding the emotional me.....

I was never a ' crier'. Wasn't raise that way. You hold it in. Be strong. Stiff upper lip. Wrong!!! At some point during an experience like this, the emotion has got to come out. And you've got to let it. I've cried a few times since this started, but the past few days have been full on cry-fests. I started this morning because I felt a bit sick. That led to 'blood sugar anxiety'...... how am I supposed to eat and keep them healthy if I feel sick?? Plus the I can't sleep either. Resulting in me. Ring emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I rang my GP about the sickness and they've left me a prescription........ which I won't take unless I actually start being sick and really need to! I even questioned whether it was ok to take with all the other medications I'm on....... because I'm a doctor now...... a cheeky one at that! He was very patient and understanding.

I hung up and the tears started. Not brave, not strong, full on crying my wee lamps out! Couldn't stop. Thankfully a few people sent some very well timed messages. My favourite being a photo of two of my favourite people and great supports during this whole thing.

Then a dear friend (who handily is also a trained counsellor) arrived at my door. I'd already ignored a couple of knocks - I couldn't answer in that state! But she shouted out so I knew it was her. I let her in and we chatted. I cried, she listened, she reassured me and just let me get it out of my system. Exactly what I needed. A wonderful person, a wonderful friend..... with impeccable timing!

It's ok to get upset. I keep saying that but then beat myself up when I do! I'm so conscious of upsetting others around me. Plus I still worry that I'm being weak if I cry. The fact is that this whole thing has been traumatic. Not just for me I'm sure! It's so hard to comprehend what we've been told. I've had two brain surgeries and more treatment to come. Of course I'm a bit traumatised. Anyone would be! Having a cry doesn't mean I'm not fighting. Doesn't mean I'm being weak. Doesn't mean I'm lying down to anything. Just means I'm accepting the reality of the scariness of the situation. As a friend said to me earlier, that I'm 'owning my feelings, both positive and negative'. The two go hand in hand.

I post this for anyone going through something similar (and to remind me of it happens again). It's ok to be upset. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to feel overwhelmed by everything that's happened and continued to happen. Get it out of your system. Let it flow. Do both. Keep yourself positive with the wonderful people around you. But accept you might have bad days. It's not weakness. It's necessary.

I have some lovely visitors coming tomorrow. I can't wait to see them. My gorgeous son is off school for a couple of days. Then it's the weekend and Big Man will. E off. I'll do stuff. Go out for a while. Get some fresh air. Keep on keeping on. Remind myself of how lucky I am. Rest up but push too. 

Yep, emotion is ok. Don't be afraid of it.