Reality bites.....

At some point it has to hit...... This week, and particularly the past few days, have been that point for me. I've worked so hard to stay positive and fight hard..... I'm still doing that. Honestly, this week I've been really tired. I keep blaming the meds, but the shock and the double craniotomy might have had its part to play too! Yesterday I started to cry and couldn't stop. I've been afraid to sleep too...... not good as I know I have to. Last night I couldn't keep my eyes open during the news so I went to bed, with the agreement that I be woken for food around 9. Exhausted but couldn't sleep...... every time I closed my eyes I became completely convinced that I wasn't fighting. That I was giving in and just wouldn't wake up. Then the tears started. And just would not stop. We ended up ringing the doctor on call, I was so distressed. She was lovely, although of course wanted to give me diazepam...... I quoted my stats and told her where to stick them! She spoke to me at length and settled me a lot. Of course I still wouldn't take the prescription. No way. I'm taking enough. I don't need to add in crap like that. I'm not sure what I expected her to do.....! She offered to see me but I said there was no point - all I'd do was cry anyway and refuse the suggested drugs. Hard work! After that I eventually went to sleep but I woke up quite a lot. I felt very tremoury and was close to a couple of absence seizures. Combined with the usual blood sugar paranoia.

This morning I was up at the usual time (7am) - big man bringing me my tea and toast and generally listening to my nonsense. He even managed to persuade me to go back to sleep. Which I did. Until around 10.30. Exactly what I should be doing. And really not that unusual on a Saturday morning. 

Since that I've had lunch, gone for a short walk and then had a visit from lovely friends. I enjoyed their company and only cried a little bit at the start...... quite an achievement at the moment!

Now I'm watching a programme about pop music..... I had to fast forward through the bit about Radiohead (total dirge) and the bit where Travis sang at a fans wedding..... but other than that I'm doing ok. A few random tears, but not the sobfest ive had over the past few days.

Now the dinner is on. I'm going to eat my usual healthy meal, relax and get a good night's sleep. I know it's ok to cry and I'm letting myself do that. But I can't cry all day and then not sleep all night. I'm clearly suffering anxiety. We knew this already. I have a very dear friend who is helping me with this. I need to find a way to let it out without dissolving into a complete blubbering mess. And I need to learn to sleep, without mad thoughts and 'the fear'. 

Keep the positivity coming. I know I often say I'm fine when I'm clearly not. I know I'm often putting on a brave face at a time when it's ok to be upset. 

I'll get there. Don't doubt that. I just need to stay positive without putting too much pressure on myself. It's very hard to do. I know I say a lot of stuff repeatedly...... I'm not lying, I'm just on a bit of a rollercoaster. I often wonder if I should share it or not, but it seems silly to lie about it. 

I'm not doing negative at all. I'll cry if I need to but I'm avoiding anything that I know will set me off. 

Xxx