Read the information....

When I left RVH I was given a folder full of information. Haven't looked near it. Too scary. Denial anyone?? I just didn't want to see anything I didn't like, despite being fully aware of what's happening to me..... Today I told my friend this. She's very wise and responded "Well that's like you writing one of your reports without doing any of the research...." True. Then she said "I'll read it". Which she did. She went through each bit in turn and then reassured me there was nothing scary or new in it. Then passed it to me to read. She was completely right. Nothing new. There was even a very useful list of phone numbers that I could've done with a few times, but didn't realise I had! 

Denial is easy and sometimes it can be necessary if stress levels get too high. But long term it's pretty pointless. I don't really want to think too much about what's going on. I know it raises my anxiety and can have some very negative results. I need to stay posituve. That doesn't mean I should go into full on denial. It just means careful management.  Get someone else to read the documents and give me which ones I can deal with, or summarise them for me in a positive way. Not lies, just not doom and gloom. None of the documents are worded like that anyway...... 

I often find it hard to discuss the details..... especially with people I know might be upset by it. I don't want to be responsible for other people's pain but I can't possibility hold in my feelings all the time. So prepare yourself for tears..... remind me I'm strong. Hold me up like she did. Often I will do it myself anyway if you just let me get it out. I'll annoy myself with the tears and start giving off to myself! "Wise up! What am I doing?? I am strong. I can do this"

Not reading the information you're provided with is pretty stupid. The big man tried to read it one night and I tore the face off him! Wouldn't let him look at it. Total guilt trip over the stress he was causing me....... reality is that I've already been told my diagnosis and my treatment plan..... a few times now! So what's the point not reading the information that might help? What better way to take control?? Even if someone else reads it first and 'vets it' for anything negative that might be too much.......,